Reuben's Birth: Part 5

Monday, October 8^th (41+4)

Ashley and I continued chatting until 12:45, when I finally decided to try to sleep. At 1:30, I woke up to intense contractions. I tried to time a few, but I was so exhausted that I would fall asleep when the contractions were not at their worst and so my timing wasn't very accurate. At 2:15 I decided I couldn't do it alone anymore and went to the guest room to wake up Joel. He helped me time a few, and then they jumped from 12-14 min to 6-1/2 to 9 minutes apart. They were intense enough that I was having to quietly moan with them and I was asking Joel for counter-pressure. It helped a little, but not enough. I knew Christine could do so much better.

At 2:46 I texted her that they were getting worse. Surprisingly, she instantly responded with (not surprisingly) “Good”. Sadist. She asked me if I got any sleep, and wanted to know what the contractions were doing. I told her 6-8 min apart and that I was having Joel rub my back. She asked me how I was feeling and if I wanted someone to come. The last two contractions were close to 90 seconds long, and I was having to still vocalize through them. I told her I was crampy in between and felt like I couldn't move because of it. Once again, she told me that was “very good.” I hate when she's right!

I asked her if this was “for real” and she told me it was. I told her I wanted someone to come and asked her if I should call Debbie. She consulted with Nichole and they decided I should. I called Debbie to let her know what was going on and she told me to give her a call back when the contractions were 3-5 min apart. I decided I wanted to get in the shower while we waited for everyone to arrive.

Sometime around 4, Christine, Nichole, and Sarah arrived. I wasn't quite far enough into labor land that I didn't care about being watched, so I was much quieter during contractions. Joel still gave me counter pressure and things were fine. After about an hour, I could feel things starting to slow down again and I was losing hope. What was wrong with me? We sent Joel out for doughnuts around 5 AM. He returned 30 min later and I continued to have contractions, although they seemed a bit further apart and not as strong (or maybe I was just better at it when I was distracted? I don't know).

Around 6:30 AM, someone suggested we go for a walk. I was all for it! I wanted to get this show on the road. We bundled up and the four of us headed out. I did a big squat at my mailbox, waiting for someone to get their jacket and it gave me a nice contraction. Yay! Christine and I power walked up and down one street, and then we left Nichole and Sarah in our dust when we turned a corner. I was on a mission to get this kid OUT!

We got back to my house and I did some more lunges and squats on my front stairs. Nothing. Nada. I was crushed. I did one final deep squat and I felt a pop in my pubic bone. I had separated my pubic symphysis. Ouch! Forget anymore walking, I could barely lift my legs! I was done. I went inside, said goodbye to my kids who were about to leave with Tinika (we had decided to send them to her house so I could labor in peace), and went upstairs to pout.

I sat down on my ball again, and the girls decided they were going to go home since things were stopping. I was crushed. CRUSHED. I felt like a failure. Like my body couldn't really do this, that it was just teasing me and this would all end in a hospital with pitocin like it had before. Every time my contractions stopped I was sure my water would break before they started back up again. It was always in the back of my mind.

Nichole and Sarah went home (they had to drive almost an hour) and Christine came upstairs to check on me. She could see how disappointed I was and came over to rub my back. She asked me where my leftover rocks were from my Blessingway. Each rock had a word of affirmation to help strengthen me during my labor. Each of my guests had taken one to keep with them as a way to connect them to me. Christine went and gathered them up. She brought them up to my room and laid them out across my dresser. Then she lit a candle in front of my mirror, reflecting the light throughout the room. She sat with me again and reminded me that my body WAS working. That just because it was taking a long time did not mean anything was wrong with me. She reminded me that I wasn't on pitocin, and I wasn't in a hospital. That my body was making these contractions on its own. I cried. I just burst into tears. I needed to hear all those things. I needed someone to just tell me everything would be ok. I was so tired and so confused about what was happening, that I just couldn't see straight anymore. I was tired of being strong, and what I needed most was exactly what she gave me at that moment. I knew that she understood how I was feeling.

Then she handed me one of the rocks. It said “calm”. It was in my own handwriting, and it was the rock that she had chosen at my celebration. She told me that she had needed more calm in her life recently, and that's why she had taken it. She gave it to me and told me that I needed the “calm” now. It was a really beautiful moment. It made me so thankful that I am such good friends with the women who helped me through all of this.

After we both dried our eyes, she offered to sift me again. I climbed up onto my hands and knees on my bed and she helped me do some deep breathing to calm myself. She sifted me, and then had me do circles with my hips to try to encourage the baby to get into a good position. After a few minutes, she had me lay down and tucked me in to sleep. She promised to check in with me later. I think it was about 7:30 when she left, and the sun was just coming up.

I woke up at 10:30. Despite having slept 3 whole hours (more than I had in days), I was still exhausted and still sad. It felt like nothing was happening. I saw that Debbie had left me a message on Facebook that she had had a busy day (two births!) and remembered talking to me sometime during the night, but assumed things had stopped since she didn't hear back from me. I checked in with her via Facebook chat and we talked about the BPP I was going to get later that day. Both of my other kids had been born within a day or so of a BPP, so maybe that's what this baby needed, too?

I told her everything had slowed down, but that I had had a few hard contractions since being sifted earlier. Those were the only ones that I woke up for, and were just a worse version of the bone-grinding pain I had been experiencing for the last few days. They only happened when I was laying down on my side, trying to sleep. And then when I would try to move, I would also have a contraction. I just could not get comfortable and it was wearing me down. I knew that I could physically continue despite how tired I felt, but I was so mentally spent. I lamented to her that I was just tired of this game. She told me she knew how I was feeling, that both of her kids had been late. She encouraged me to do pelvic rocks, try to pull up on my belly during contractions, and to maybe try some stairs. I told her about the walk we had taken earlier, and about how I thought I had injured myself squatting. I asked her if there was anything I could do for that pain. One of her suggestions was to se arnica to help the swelling from the injury, so I tried that since I happened to have some on hand for after the birth.

At 11:20 I said goodbye to Debbie and got back into the shower. The only place I really enjoyed. I tried to take another short nap and managed to rest (but not sleep) from 12-12:30 before I had to wake up and get ready to go to See Baby. While I was resting, I made this post to my HBAC group at 12:12 PM:

“I've had prodromal labor, it appears, for 3 nights now. Friday from 4p until
about 1130 AM on Sat, Sunday from 3a-11:30a, and yesterday I got sifted with the
rebozo and did a 1.5 mile power walk with one of my doulas and started
contracting again at 7 PM. I slept for about an hour last night and woke up
having to vocalize through contractions at 1:30 AM. I woke my husband up at 2
because I needed help with them, and by 3 I had called for my doulas and
photographer. I called my primary MW to give her a heads up. Everyone came over
(except the MW) and then they petered off over the next few hours. We walked,
squatted, and lunged with no change. One of my doulas sifted me again, helped me
calm down and relax, and put me to bed. She was so encouraging - reminding
me that I'm not on a clock and that I don't need a hospital or pitocin to
do this. Everyone is home now (sleeping - as I did) and we are going for our
post-date BPP (I am 41-3) in a little while.
Both of my other kids were born within a day or two of a BPP, so maybe a little
ultrasonic stimulation will do just the trick? LOL.
Anyway, prayers and positive thoughts are appreciated. This has been a
very mentally draining few days.”

Aside from not knowing how pregnant I was (I was off by a day), this was pretty accurate.

After I rested, Christine checked in with me. I told her I seemed to only have contractions when I was laying down. I had done some lunging in the shower and that had brought on a few small, less intense contractions as well.

We arrived at See Baby at 2 PM. I was tired. I was crampy and uncomfortable. I couldn't sit, so I stood next to Joel's chair while we waited and swayed. That seemed to make me more comfortable, so I just kept doing it. I didn't care if people were watching me anymore. I felt pretty out of it, and the world seemed sort of covered in a fog. Now (several weeks out, as I'm writing this), I recognize that feeling as “labor land”. At the time I'm pretty sure I just attributed it to being ridiculously tired.

We had our ultrasound and our sweet baby boy passed with flying colors. The sonographer did ask me if I was leaking any fluid. I told her no, but it made me nervous that she might have found something that would send me to the hospital. I hounded her about which direction the baby was facing. I wanted to know exactly where his nose was, and if his head was straight. She said he was perfect and tried to reassure me. I was so tired that it took her repeating it several times before it registered in my brain that he was straight on occiput anterior. I noticed his hands were up by his head, but it didn't occur to me that they might have something do with all that was going on.

After the ultrasound, she took me into a different area and hooked me up to the external fetal monitor for the NST. I had several contractions during the test (this no longer excited me or surprised me). I watched his heart rate during the test, and I knew he would pass just fine. Unlike his sister, he was quite cooperative and we didn't have a problem. I think it probably had to do with just how low he was. I don't think he could move if he wanted to!

I should have just enjoyed relaxing in the big, comfy, deep blue chair, but I couldn't. I was so worried that sitting in the recliner would make him turn posterior and further hold things up. It made me very paranoid.

While Joel and I waited to see Dr. Bootstaylor for the results of our tests, I checked in with Christine. I told her the sonographer had confirmed his OA position and that the tech had asked me about leaking fluid. I had noticed the spaces she had in which to measure fluid levels were pretty small and mentioned that, as well.

Around 3:20 we finally got in to see Dr. B. I must have looked exactly how I felt, because the first thing he asked me was if I had been sleeping. I told him I hadn't, and that I had been laboring the last 3-4 nights. He offered me a prescription for Ambien which I gladly accepted. Then he turned to the screen and we went over the results. Everything was perfect! He scored a 10/10 and his fluid was 7.44. He also asked me about any leaking fluid, but assured me that although it was on the lower end of normal, the fluid level was fine for my 41+4 baby. He said he didn't see any need to repeat the scan again unless we or our providers had any concerns. Christine had called me before the scan and suggested that I specifically tell them not to tell me how big they thought the baby would be. She knew I had enough going on in my head and didn't want to further complicate things. I thought this was a great suggestion, so we were sure to tell the tech and Dr. B not to share this information with us. (I did email Dr. B 6 hours after he was born and found out he was estimated at 8lbs 6 oz. So far all of my baby's estimates have been VERY close.)

We left See Baby and decided to call the chiropractor. She had been out of the office Friday, and I felt like this was one more thing we hadn't tried. Maybe he was stuck on something or something was out of place and she could help. I asked if I could come in as soon as we could get there (abouth 4:30, since the office is in Sandy Springs) and they said I could, so we headed up that way.

The contractions never stopped, and were still very uncomfortable while I was sitting. I remember having one as we were getting onto the interstate, then one just a few miles later as we hit the I-75/85 split. During the second one I whined about how horrible contractions are in the car, and why would anyone want to be in the car in late active labor on purpose? I thought those women MUST be crazy because this just sucked already and I wasn't even IN labor! (Or so I thought....)

We drove through CVS and dropped off the prescription for Ambien on our way to the chiropractor. I got adjusted, lamented the whole story to my chiropractor while she was working her magic, and she and the staff wished us luck as we left. We picked up the medicine and decided to go to Flying Biscuit for dinner. We LOVE that place, and some really simple breakfast food sounded perfect right then. On our way there, I updated Christine on the plan.

I told her I wanted to eat, take a pill, and go to sleep. She asked me if I had ever taken Ambien before. I hadn't. She warned me that his can sometimes have a side effect of hallucinations, and that a friend of ours had had an unpleasant experience with it during her first labor. She suggested maybe I try sleeping without the use of meds, or maybe trying something a little milder first. I'll admit, that was kind of a wake-up call. I had been so desperate for sleep, that I didn't really think about what could have gone wrong with the medicine. It was at that point that I knew I wasn't ever going to take anything. I was desperate for sleep, but I just had this nagging feeling that if I took something, I would wake up and be so loopy when I needed to be able to focus. She suggested Unisom as an alternative, and I told her we would try to get some later. I had taken that before during my first pregnancy, so I was much more comfortable with that option.

I told her I was scared to lay down because the contractions that I would have like that were “like being hit with pit”, but I was so jittery from the lack of sleep that I just didn't know what to do. She had kept Nichole in the loop for me, and she relayed that Nichole suggested I try resting in my birth pool. I could stay more upright, get relief from the water, and still have a soft place to rest my head. Since it was already blown up and just sitting empty in my bedroom, that sounded like a great idea! Christine reminded me that if I was going to get in the pool that I shouldn't take any type of medication. Wouldn't want me to drown!

We ate dinner (during which I continued contracting, so I didn't have a huge appetite) and then headed home around 7:30 PM. I showed Joel how to hook up the hose to the sink and I filled the pool with lots of nice, warm water (thank you to our new tankless water heater)! I sat back in the big, squishy La Bassine pool that was parked right in front of the TV and closed my eyes as I listened to the Jazz documentary Joel was watching. The water felt fabulous! In that moment, I totally understood why my friend Amanda had wanted a water birth so badly, and why Ashley had been so disappointed in missing hers. The pain from my pubic bone subsided and I just relaxed my head into the soft side of the pool.

And then I had huge contraction. It was horrible. I couldn't move fast enough to get into a comfortable position. I was able to get from sitting to kneeling, but it wasn't helping. I felt confined by the pool, and I just wanted to get out. I was in there less than 15 minutes. Probably less than 10. I got out of the pool and went to shower, the one place that had always made me feel better. Sweet relief! The pounding water felt great. After about 20 minutes in there I returned to the bedroom and tried to get back in bed. But I couldn't, it still hurt to lift my leg because of my injury, and before I could manage to get on the bed I had another contraction. So I sat on my ball at the edge of my bed and had a few more that way. I was finally able to climb back onto the bed and I assumed my (apparently) favorite position for labor – hands and knees leaning over pillows. It really is my favorite way to rest in labor (but, wait, I'm not in labor!.....HA!), and is the most comfortable I ever am.

I think I fell asleep like this in between contractions. I can't really remember. When the documentary was over, I decided to send Joel out to go get the Unisom. I wasn't sure if I was going to take it, but if things slowed down again it was likely my next option. He left around 10:30 PM. I stayed in my knees and pillows position and opened the laptop. I checked in with Christine and told her about my experience with the birth tub, and that I had been having contractions while trying to rest. I told her those still sucked and I didn't know why they sucked so bad. Things were still much worse when I was resting in bed (or so I thought, since I didn't really spend any time being upright). She encouraged me to try to ignore them and suggested maybe I should reconsider taking something to help me sleep. She told me she was headed to bed, since she'd been up since I called her that morning. It was 10:44 PM. I chatted with Nichole for a few minutes after that, and then she headed to bed as well.

I had begun timing contractions again at 10:44. The first three were 8 and 13-1/2 minutes apart and 45-55 seconds.

At 11:18 PM I checked in with Debbie on Facebook chat. I told her I was a mess. She said that didn't sound good and asked me what was going on. I told her I was still having contractions and I felt like I couldn't get on top of them. I didn't feel like they were that bad, but just that they were sneaking up on me and I wasn't expecting them. She asked what I had tried to help things, and I told her that I had tried the pool, but that I really just wanted to lay down. I couldn't lay down, though. I told her the contractions I had when laying down were torture. She asked me if I took the Ambien. I told her I had been too scared, that I felt like I would be too out of it to deal with what was currently happening, and that I had sent Joel out for the Unisom. I was crying and telling her I didn't understand why I was having such a hard time with this when I easily handled two pitocin labors. It just didn't make sense. I had always thought that if I could manage that intensity that a labor of my own making would be easy. Recently, though, I had started to be scared about how I might handle this labor.

Debbie reminded me that the difference with a pitocin labor is that, although intense, it doesn't last days. She was right, pitocin doesn't play with your mind and exhaust you until you break and can no longer think straight. I told her my pelvis felt like it was in a vice, and she suggested I take some Tylenol to help relieve some of the pain from my injury. She said they sometimes will have moms take 2 Extra Strength Tylenol and some Benadryl to help them sleep when things are like this.

You know what my first reaction was to the suggestion of Tylenol? I thought to myself, if I take that, then I can't honestly say I had an unmedicated labor.” That really upset me. I wasn't able to call my first VBAC unmedicated because I had pitocin, and I really thought that since I wasn't in a hospital that the term “medicated” wouldn't cross into my birth. What.The.Heck? That is not a sane thought. After a few minutes I realized Tylenol doesn't do anything for my pain anyway (I'm an ibuprofen girl!) and completely shoved the thought of taking anything out of my mind. I finally got my sanity back!

I was still timing contractions through this whole conversation, and I mentioned to Debbie that they were getting back to 6-8 minutes apart. It was 11:29 PM. She told me there seemed to be a theme lately that third babies were very trying. Nichole had always mentioned her third labor was challenging, too. Sigh. I told her I was just upset because I was so confused – why was everything worse when I laid down? She suggested maybe the baby was posterior or asynclitic. I told her the tech at See Baby had confirmed his position and that although he had been a little wiggly, he hadn't moved. She said she hadn't heard from Dr. B, and asked me what the results of the BPP were. I told her the numbers, and that although we had asked not to know the estimated weight, Dr. B. had mentioned that his head was not that big (maybe 50^th percentile?). She said he hadn't felt that big to her, either. Experienced hands can tell a lot!

Debbie and I then started discussing what would happen next. I asked her if I needed to come see them since I didn't make an appointment for a 42 week prenatal. She told me the only reason I would need to come is if I wanted my cervix checked (since the baby had just been checked by Dr. B.). I told her I didn't know what I wanted, but I wanted someone to tell me what the heck was going on. If it wasn't time yet, that's fine. But this whole game of “is it or isn't it?” was getting REALLY old.

And then, something changed. It was very strange, and very sudden. I felt like my fog suddenly lifted and I was suddenly calm and no longer hysterical. It was 11:46 PM. I felt suddenly peaceful about the fact that I was sure I would be pregnant until 42 weeks (2 more days). It really didn't phase me at all, and I was totally okay with that realization.

I told Debbie that “things had certainly changed” since talking to her, and “my last three were much closer together.” I had been on my knees doing circles with my hips in between contractions. It's what felt good, so I did it. We continued chatting about another mom Debbie had who was having the same type of labor as me. She told me to call before I came in the morning to make sure she was there (and not at the other woman's birth).

At 11:55 I told her that “of the last 5, the furthest apart was 5 min” and that “maybe I'll get lucky....”

Here's what was actually on my contraction timer:

Time Length Frequency

23:37:56 1:43 3:17

23:42:23 1:09 4:26

23:47:27 1:32 5:03

23:50:25 1:34 2:58

23:53:25 1:17 2:59

23:57:56 1:24 4:31

Stating that the furthest apart was 5 minutes was being pretty generous. But the thing is, I was sure it wasn't right. I figured the length of the contractions was off by at least 30 seconds due to user error, and therefore was throwing off the actual frequency. I even had the fleeting thought that it would sure be nice to be on a fetal monitor and have some kind of accurate timer for the contractions because I was so sure we were screwing it up. Remember, I had decided about this time that things were going to slow down again and go on for a few more days. In all actuality, if my doulas and midwife had seen these numbers they would have completely ignored how I was acting and come over to my house. But it's easy to seem calm and very nonchalant when you can type for all but the peak of a contraction. 

Reuben's Birth: Part 6